Its almost going to be three months since Ramone and I got together and its been three months of learning about him, myself, and the word called love. I've had my fair share of relationships and so has Ramone; but never have I ever put so much effort into one, like I'm doing now.
I've been told plenty of times that I'm scared of being commited with a person and truth is; its 100% true. I come from a family of failed relationships and when I was younger I always told myself why be in a relationship with one person for the rest of your life; you get bored with a person after a while. That was my mind set for so long; for a while being in a relationship, being in love, having that special person by your side didn't matter to me, I enjoyed my single life. Having a good time with friends and cousins, it was all fun. But at times you see your friends and/or cousins in their own relationships and you do miss that feeling of having someone. But I had given up on relationships, I tend to fall for people that break me down not only emotionally but mentally as well.
I mean from Erica to Henry to Jake to Stephanie and David; each one was emotionally exhausting. From being gently let go and her finding love with someone else, to being used only hurt someone else they loved, to being cheated and lied to (multiple times), to me hurting her after she trusted me, and finally being dragged along for so long by him. I faced different things within those relationships but I think the one that hurt me the most and drained me out was David; It was an on going thing for 6 months.
After that I really didn't bother dating again; yet there might have been a few dates here and there but nothing special. But like they always say love hits you when you least expect it; then Ramone came into my life. Honestly at first I didn't think much of him besides a friend, but that changed really fast. We talked, about everything and anything; and I enjoyed us talking and getting to know each other. We quickly went from talking and texting, to going on dates, to meeting his friends. I actually had to take a step back and look at the entire picture; I told myself is this something I really want to do? Do I want to jump into a potential relationship? It didn't take me long to process that. Eventually Ramone and I decided to make our thing official and it all seemed to great, so perfect but like with all relationships we began to noticed the little small things, the little things that make us, well us.
Ramone's told me to open up even more, let him in, to trust him 100% and I will say at first I was scared to do that; I've just been hurt to many times. It was a battle to just let it go; and then when I finally decided to it felt so good. I told him "I honestly feel like I can tell you anything and not be scared what you might think or say." But then shortly after that we had small talk that just ripped me down emotionally, I was confussed, about the things he told me. I felt as if I had let him in 100% and handed him my heart but in that moment and time I felt as if he simply tossed my heart away, without even caring (I will say I was in tears). It took me a while to truly let him in again; he knew it hurt me really bad. But recently I told him that I was sorry for having this wall up; for not being open, for being like that because of past relationships. I told him I was done with all that, I was letting it all go, and I would tell him every single thing there is about me. Soon after that, Ramone talked to me about expressing my feelings, showing how I really feel.
But for me that doesn't come easy, its going to take me a bit to change my entire mind set; I mean I've been building these walls up since, well since forever and with every failed relationship they just got thicker and taller; so its going to take some time. I tell him to be patient with me and he says he will, he says I have lots of patiences but then sometimes I feel like he's reached his patience because he starts telling me to show my emotions. Show him that I'm happy, so him that I'm excited, that I'm sad, that I'm needy. But I'm not a guy that really shows my emotions; I can be happy or sad and you won't even know. I think I'm like that because my mother never really showed emotion when I was growing up. She kept that to her self so I didn't see it; that's why I doesn't come natural to me. I feel like I've gotten to know Ramone pretty well but I know that I still don't know him 100% and that will come with time; but I feel like I've gotten to know what he wants with me when its comes to our relationship. To him a simple I love you., a hug, a kiss, a smile, shows him that I care. That I really do enjoy his company; and sometimes I lack that, or don't show it enough as I wish. Ramone does every single thing possible to keep me happy and I thank him for doing that, no one has ever done that for me. No one has ever cared enough for me to ask me how I'm feeling. No one has ever thought of me before themselves. No one has ever loved me like Ramone loves me.
So I close this blog with a personal message to Ramone.
"Ramone, babes you know I love you a lot. I thank you for every single memory we have shared (&will share in the future), every single talk, every single moment you take to ask me how I'm feeling, and most of all thank you for loving me. I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best to show you that I am. All I can say right now is to me you are my world, you'd made me so happy, I haven't felt this great in a pretty long time, every time you hug me I feel as if I lived for that moment. Every talk makes us stronger. Just be patient with me when it comes to certain things; you know I love you and I want the best for our relationship. I love you, I honestly do and I can say that from the bottom of my heart."
-Danny<3
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